You Can't Run If You're Holding Suitcases: March 2012

Monday, March 26, 2012

Joy

It's only been one week since my last post so I don't owe my readership a real post. This one is just a story about my day. I will preface this story with telling you that on the door of my church is a sign that says: "Servicos cada domingo a las 3:30". This sign is a lie. Why is it okay for my church to lie about this? Because this is Honduras and things don't start on time. Tim has never started preaching before 4:30 and sometimes service doesn't start until 5. I love this about my church because most Sundays we get there about 3:30 and just fellowship until someone says it's time to go upstairs. I greatly enjoy spending time with my Honduran and North American friends just chatting and laughing. Some weeks I play with the kids who are too little to join into the perpetual game of basketball that is going on in the parking lot. Today, I mostly played with a little boy named Carlitos. Carlitos has epilepsy and the frequency of his seizures has caused other problems with his mental and physical development. He is one of the sweetest children I have ever met. Many people are tempted to pity him when they meet him, but they are only looking at the surface of who Carolitos is. This child taught me something about joy today and I am forever in his debt. We were playing catch and Carolitos would squeal with glee and clap for me every time I caught the ball. When we switched to kicking the ball back and forth, Carlitos gave the ball a mighty kick and the ball went flying across the parking lot. As I ran after it, childish laughter, embodying pure joy, followed me and surrounded me. We found a "helicopter" (a maple seed pod that spins wildly when you throw it in the air) and the pure fun continued as we tossed it high in the air over and over. I could not feel sadness or pain while looking into his face. His laughter was like medicine to my soul. Our giggles mixed together, creating a song that I'm sure floated up to heaven and put a smile on God's face.

I make life too complicated. Children have the right idea. I think I need fling my arms out and spin around like our crazy "helicopter" and just enjoy the sunshine. Thank you, Carlitos, for sharing your joy with me. Thank you, Lord, for little boys like Carlitos and may we always remember that You love him more than we ever could.

"But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."" -Matthew 19:14

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I am not a failure. I am not worthless.

The last few weeks have been interesting for sure. A couple weeks ago my week was really awful and really great at the same time. My first story is one a few of you have already heard from me. Sheila and I were on our way to women's bible study (about a week and a half ago now) and we passed a young lady laying on the side of the road face down in a puddle of blood. This was probably the scariest moment of my life. We stopped right away and jumped out to help. We were the first ones on the scene expect for a motorcyclist who was already on his phone calling for help. I found myself oddly in control of this situation as a crowd gathered to watch. I made sure someone called Cruz Rojo. I tried to talk to the woman who was in and out of consciousness. As I attempted to figure out how bad her injuries were, I prayed over her: Lord, save this woman, please. The crowd tried to calm down her family, who arrived after a little while and were absolutely hysterical. I convinced them not to move her for the time being as I prayed help would arrive in time. God was on my side because I was not expecting a crowd of hondureños to listen to a little gringa. The paramedics arrived after about 15 mins, which I've hear is record time for them. As they loaded her into the ambulance I told the crowd. We need to pray for this woman! A few women began praying right away, adding their heart felt prayers in Spanish to my anguished ones in English. I found out a few days later from some nursing students that they were pretty sure they knew the woman I was talking about and she was basically stitched up and sent home. She had apparently been hit by a bus. Wow. Hit by a bus and she gets sent home with stitches.

Later that week our church bible study crew gathered at our friends new home for a fabulous night of home-cooked lasagna, birthday celebrations and bible study. It was like medicine to my hurting soul. I love my friends here - A LOT. It was still a rough week as I dealt with horrific images and my frustration over living in a world where people are left on the road to die. The weekend came and brought with it a high school talent show that some of my teacher friends performed in. HILARIOUS. We also played frisbee, had a cookout and a bonfire on Saturday afternoon/evening.

Sunday brought sickness.

I spent the better part of this week feeling under the weather. It wasn't a knock-me-off-my-feet cold. Sore throat, stuffy nose, fever, some stomach yuckiness, but I survived. The worst side effect of an emotionally rough week, then getting sick was feeling like I was in a fog. I was a bit sad, easily annoyed, exhausted and definitely fighting a spiritual battle. I know none of you are strangers to weeks where nothing goes right and you feel like you're doing everything wrong and it's all your fault. Every morning I woke up, I wanted to get right back into bed. I just kept messing up. Why couldn't I just do better? Why couldn't I hold my tongue? I felt like a failure. I felt worthless. When other people are upset, I feel like it's my fault. I put a lot of my self worth in how others treat and view me. I expect other's to validate me.

Oh how wrong I've been.

I am not a failure, even though I make mistakes. I am not worthless, even though not everyone loves me. This is an idea that has been slowly taking shape over the last couple weeks. I am worth something just because of who I am, not because of something I've done, or because people like me. God's truth says EVERYONE is worth something. They're worth Jesus' life.

I am loved. I am forgiven. I am precious to God.

You are loved. You are forgiven. You are precious to God.

I'm reading a book right now called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning and one of the main points made so far in the book is that people have a difficult time accepting that they can do nothing to earn God's love. It is freely given, to everyone. There was a section that asked: What are you afraid will separate you from God? The one that hit me hard was: Do you think your failures or your own insecurities can separate you from him? They can't. Nothing can.

I'm sorry this post isn't informative about what I have been up to. I feel like this revelation was more worth it to talk about than the same old of school, kids and random adventures. I feel a deeper contentment with my life here. I hope the next couple weeks improve, but even if they prove just as difficult, I am reminded that there are lessons to learn in the hard times.

Hebrews 4:15-16

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

P.S. I went to a children's home about a 10 mins drive away today. Such adorable, fun kids and so close! A friend of mine who goes frequently, invited me a long and it was a great morning. I got to play with an adorable baby, help some kids study their bible verses for Sunday school, explore their garden and meet their chickens. So fun. I love children so much. We were all talking on the way home of planning a fun day for the home. We're thinking carnival, cookout and a movie. Pray that we solidify plans for that soon. It'll be so fun and a huge blessing to those of us running and the kids in the home :D

Friday, March 2, 2012

Honduras, You're Breaking My Heart

Dear Reader, I promise I have always been honest with you, but I've been shielding you from many of the realities of what Honduras is really like. Please read with an open heart.

"There are 14 people living in that house"
It's smaller than my living room.
"You can't be serious."
"That's not an exception, that's the norm"
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

The child stretches out his dirty hand.
He feet are bare and his clothes are rags.
I know what he wants and what he needs.
Will he get enough to feed his family tonight?
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

"You can't trust the police."
"357 dead after fire destroys prison."
"Everyone wants something from you."
Thoughts float through my head and leak from my eyes.
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

Children fill the sidewalks, selling their wares.
"Why aren't those kids in school?"
"Food or education, pick one."
I'd choose food, so do they.
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

"Honduras has highest murder rate in the world."
I saw a motorcyclist laying dead on the road.
"My best friend was killed last year."
I feel the grief like a physical weight.
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

"My friends got robbed again."
Gangs run this country.
"A drug dealer lives in that house."
I don't walk anywhere alone.
Honduras, you're breaking my heart.

They desperately needs Jesus.
But they don't need empty words.
I want to be Your hands.
I want to be Your feet.
Honduras, you've captured my heart.

Matthew 25: 34-40

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’