I am not a failure. I am not worthless.

The last few weeks have been interesting for sure. A couple weeks ago my week was really awful and really great at the same time. My first story is one a few of you have already heard from me. Sheila and I were on our way to women's bible study (about a week and a half ago now) and we passed a young lady laying on the side of the road face down in a puddle of blood. This was probably the scariest moment of my life. We stopped right away and jumped out to help. We were the first ones on the scene expect for a motorcyclist who was already on his phone calling for help. I found myself oddly in control of this situation as a crowd gathered to watch. I made sure someone called Cruz Rojo. I tried to talk to the woman who was in and out of consciousness. As I attempted to figure out how bad her injuries were, I prayed over her: Lord, save this woman, please. The crowd tried to calm down her family, who arrived after a little while and were absolutely hysterical. I convinced them not to move her for the time being as I prayed help would arrive in time. God was on my side because I was not expecting a crowd of hondureños  to listen to a little gringa. The paramedics arrived after about 15 mins, which I've hear is record time for them. As they loaded her into the ambulance I told the crowd. We need to pray for this woman! A few women began praying right away, adding their heart felt prayers in Spanish to my anguished ones in English. I found out a few days later from some nursing students that they were pretty sure they knew the woman I was talking about and she was basically stitched up and sent home. She had apparently been hit by a bus. Wow. Hit by a bus and she gets sent home with stitches.

Later that week our church bible study crew gathered at our friends new home for a fabulous night of home-cooked lasagna, birthday celebrations and bible study. It was like medicine to my hurting soul. I love my friends here - A LOT. It was still a rough week as I dealt with horrific images and my frustration over living in a world where people are left on the road to die. The weekend came and brought with it a high school talent show that some of my teacher friends performed in. HILARIOUS. We also played frisbee, had a cookout and a bonfire on Saturday afternoon/evening. 

Sunday brought sickness. 

I spent the better part of this week feeling under the weather. It wasn't a knock-me-off-my-feet cold. Sore throat, stuffy nose, fever, some stomach yuckiness, but I survived. The worst side effect of an emotionally rough week, then getting sick was feeling like I was in a fog. I was a bit sad, easily annoyed, exhausted and definitely fighting a spiritual battle. I know none of you are strangers to weeks where nothing goes right and you feel like you're doing everything wrong and it's all your fault. Every morning I woke up, I wanted to get right back into bed. I just kept messing up. Why couldn't I just do better? Why couldn't I hold my tongue? I felt like a failure. I felt worthless. When other people are upset, I feel like it's my fault. I put a lot of my self worth in how others treat and view me. I expect other's to validate me. 

Oh how wrong I've been.

I am not a failure, even though I make mistakes. I am not worthless, even though not everyone loves me. This is an idea that has been slowly taking shape over the last couple weeks. I am worth something just because of who I am, not because of something I've done, or because people like me. God's truth says EVERYONE is worth something. They're worth Jesus' life. 

I am loved. I am forgiven. I am precious to God.

You are loved. You are forgiven. You are precious to God. 

I'm reading a book right now called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning and one of the main points made so far in the book is that people have a difficult time accepting that they can do nothing to earn God's love. It is freely given, to everyone. There was a section that asked: What are you afraid will separate you from God? The one that hit me hard was: Do you think your failures or your own insecurities can separate you from him? They can't. Nothing can. 

I'm sorry this post isn't informative about what I have been up to. I feel like this revelation was more worth it to talk about than the same old of school, kids and random adventures. I feel a deeper contentment with my life here. I hope the next couple weeks improve, but even if they prove just as difficult, I am reminded that there are lessons to learn in the hard times. 

Hebrews 4:15-16 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

P.S. I went to a children's home about a 10 mins drive away today. Such adorable, fun kids and so close! A friend of mine who goes frequently, invited me a long and it was a great morning. I got to play with an adorable baby, help some kids study their bible verses for Sunday school, explore their garden and meet their chickens. So fun. I love children so much. We were all talking on the way home of planning a fun day for the home. We're thinking carnival, cookout and a movie. Pray that we solidify plans for that soon. It'll be so fun and a huge blessing to those of us running and the kids in the home :D